The things we thought but never said

And so easily I’ve found it-

I haven’t read poetry in at least two weeks…so long. Anne Sexton has just helped to fill my void :)

Stanza from Letter Written During A January Northeaster by Anne Sexton:

Dearest,
where are your letters?
The mailman is an imposter.
He is actually my grandfather.
He floats far off in the storm
with his nicotine mustache and a bagful of nickels.
His legs stumble through
baskets of eyelashes.
Like all the dead
he picks up his disguise,
shakes it off and slowly pulls down the shade,
fading out like an old movie.
Now he is gone
as you are gone.
But he belongs to me like lost baggage.

Lately I’ve been missing something.

Recently I’ve been writing a lot of poetry that I’m afraid to post anywhere. I don’t remember the last time I wrote things so personal I was nervous of people reading them. It’s both gratifying and sad. I’m still afraid to say some things, even when I know the only people who will need to confront them are the piece of paper and I.

It’s sad but I’m actually afraid to confront them myself.

Visiting California in a month. 
It’s weird because I haven’t “visited” California in like three years.
I rather liked visiting the east coast instead.

And to think most people go home for Thanksgiving.

from Caught in the Quiet

You may puzzle at me
when I tell you
that your not loving me
is the most love
that I ever had.

But anyone who’s
given in to loving
will know and understand.

-Rod McKuen

Check in point

It’s July 16th, and this is where I’m at in my life:

-I have my new apartment and will be moving in on the 10th
-I have picked out/put a deposit on my Corgi pup and will be getting him in three 
 weeks
-I have four more weeks working before I’m done for the summer and get two weeks 
 off before starting classes at my new school
-I’m so ready to start this new part of my life.

Revert back to the title of this blog

Some things I’ve been thinking lately but not said:

-I am annoyed that not all friendships are two way streets. I don’t have the patience to sit around and put in my half of the effort and get nothing in return. I’m not a fan of friendships out of convenience.

-I can’t wait for classes to start again. Except I’m kind of dreading the fact that I have to go to orientation again since I’m transferring schools. I have to try really hard to be my genuinely awkward, quirky self and not put on the fake, boring persona I typically do when first meeting people. It’s come to my attention that I make more friends with the former.

-I want to live in a city somewhere. Or at least on the outskirts of one. I think 20 years of semi-rural life is enough for me.

from Conclusion to ‘The Renaissance’

Every moment some form grows perfect in hand or face; some tone on the hills or the sea is choicer than the rest; some mood of passion or insight or intellectual excitement is irresistibly real and attractive to us, —for that moment only.

-Walter Pater

from “Ephemera”

                           ‘Ah, do not mourn,’ he said,
‘That we are tired, for other loves await us;
Hate on and love through unrepining hours.
Before us lies eternity; our souls
Are love, and a continual farewell.’

-W.B. Yeats

On goodbyes

How many see you soon’s have I said when I really meant to say goodbye?
How many times did I mean to see someone soon but never did again?